Friday, August 21, 2009

SO funny (and true!) I had to share...

My friend Lauren, from high school posted this on facebook today. I'm pretty sure she didnt write it, and if that's the case, I do not know who to give credit to, but it was so funny, Dr. Pepper came out of my nose while reading some.. ENJOY! * I'm bolding my favorite ones. And yes, I just made up the world bolding.

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.


-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.


-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink
to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint
and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that
no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.


-That's enough, Nickelback.


-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not
to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how
to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We
just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish
a text.


- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.


- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have
nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy,
bro.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,
I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today
I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's
G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.


- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.


- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.


-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to
be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder
BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!


- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?


-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.


-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....


-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection
.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I
did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash
this ever.


-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me
if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's
only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we
still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.



-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then
I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...


- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.


-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but
I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...


-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.


-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such
a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing
like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

2 comments:

Stacey said...

Oh my god! I have tears from reading this! This was hilarious

alilipski said...

oh so good!!! i needed this. i may steal it for my own blog!!